Gaining perspective

You might have noticed (I sure have) that I have some challenges when it comes to directly communicating with people. I mean, its great when I first meet somebody and I get an invite either here on myspace, or somebody responds to an online ad, then we might exchange an email or two, maybe even meet once, but thats it. For some reason I still hold myself back from developing lasting and real relationships with others. I have this thing about craving attention and love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have my challenges.


I guess that deep down I am still dealing (or rather not dealing) with so much pain and sorrow that I am afraid what will happen when I actually get close to someone, which is actually what I want more than anything, it is just difficult for me. In a way, and I want to be completely honest here is that I am still a bit self absorbed in that I mostly think about myself, and I am still so wrapped up within myself that it is very difficult for me, and I guess that I am also afraid to truly care about somebody else. I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies because I am so used to being on my own that I am more comfortable being alone with my own image and thoughts that it feels strange every time I am with others. The issues of attention is also very interesting to me. In a way I love getting attention from others, but then I have also noticed that when somebody looks at me, be it at a club or when I make a video recording in public, or I get an email where a woman wants to get to know me better I feel uneasy, always wondering that this other person wants something from me.


Well, at least I realize my challenges, which is actually the first step before I can move towards the actualization and resolution of what it is which holds me back.


Having lost home, family and financial stability I am also ashamed and embarrassed to face others because there is this terrible void and emptiness I feel because I basically have to start over. I know that I am a little bit hard on myself, but I really really want to learn how to more kind to myself and through this be more kind to others.


During what I went through which I refer to 'The path of forced detachment' I learned a great amount about myself, others and life in general, and even though I have a great amount of challenges and problems which make it very difficult for me to freely give and receive love I also know that what I went through and what I have learned is meant to be of benefit to others, but to be able to do that I first need to help myself and heal my own wounds.


On the 21st of December I will do what I had dreams about many many times before, and while it has been almost 18 years since I have returned to my native country I will spend 1 month in Germany and be with my mother and my brother during the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine how that will be, but I am sure that it will be a very emotional time during which some tears will be shed, but it is something which needs to happen.


I will also visit my son tomorrow in San Francisco who has been in juvenile detention for quite some time now because I have failed to provid him with a stable and safe home. He will move back to Kansas next week to live with his uncle from his mothers side. This is also something which is very embarrassing to me, but I realize that it is for the better since he needs the focus and structure, and living in foster care and group homes did not really help him with that.

This is very difficult for me to talk about and acknowledge, but in order to move on with my life I need to give up the fantasy of living with my 3 children (my 2 daughters who live close by are also in foster care and are actually in the process of being adopted). I know that they all love me but as somebody told me years ago, and it was impossible for me to acknowledge that back then but I need to let them go in order to move on with my life.


In a way I feel better writing about some of my own challenges, and maybe it helps you to gain a little bit more perspective of who I am.


While I have done very very little to relate myself to others, my main outlet during the years has been my channel on youtube which has become somewhat of my own video blog where I freely share myself, my thoughts, concerns, ideas, passion and worries with others. Up until today I have more than 786 videos of my own material available, which can show you how self absorbed and wrapped up within myself.
Still, I would love for you to take a look at some of them, maybe comment on a couple of videos so you can get to know me a little bit better~~~~> http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize

One of my other challenges is that I am very bad when it comes to chit chat and small talk because I have become a pretty deep and serious person, but I also love to laugh and have fun, it is just that I am missing the experience and practice.


Maybe we both can learn to get to know each other a little better and develop some kind of friendship. I really try to put more effort into developing and fostering positive relationships with others, but spending a lot of time writing emails back and forth is a little bit challenging for me, so I would prefer speaking over the phone or meeting in person.



I kindly thank you for your time reading my long bulletin. Have a wonderful weekend, keep it real and maybe this has been a little bit of an inspiration that regardless of how difficult life can be, everything which happens is part of our personalized lesson plan, designed to help us understand ourselves better.


In love and light,

Christoph
aka realize2actualize


707 410 6352

Whatever happens is meant to be and happens for a reason!

It is just sometimes difficult to understand that reason, but in the grander scheme of things there are no accidents, coincidences and mistakes in life since everything happens for a purpose.

Everything that happens, every situation, challenge and problem, every person we meet along your unique path in life provides us with the opportunity to learn everything we need to know in order to naturally develop into your authentic and higher Self, filled with infinite love, creativity, happiness and peace. The only challenge is for us to learn the lessons along the way, those filled with joy, love, passion and happiness as well as those clouded with misery, sorrow, suffering and pain.

My dating dilemma

What can I say, I am a mess when it comes to dating. Having been on my own for so long it is difficult for me to open up to the other gender. Usually when I meet somebody I just go into my story, my history, my path, and of course the things I have learned, then I talk a little bit about my pain, regrets and sorrow, but usually thats it. Its like I am so stuck in my own mind that I dont really know how to relate myself on an emotional and intimate level. Also I am such a serious person that I dont like (or rather dont know how to) chit chat and small talk, and who wants to hang around somebody who is always thinking and talking about the deeper issues of life.

Another problem for me is that I am just so comfortable within myself that I hold myself back from opening up to others. At the same time I am also a little tired of explaining myself, and so it drains me when I am asked "so tell me about yourself", and even worse "how are you", and I really dont know how to give a simple answer without overwhelming the other person.

Probably what I really would like is to meet somebody who already knows me, who understands me and reaches out to me in love and understanding, but I realize that without me making the effort this is not going to happen. There is just so much going on with me, or rather not going on with me that it exhausts me to talk about who I am.

I remember when I still was married, which in case you dont know was probably the most difficult experience of my life (so far) I developed quite a few online relationships. Back then, we are talking the late 90's I was relying on the internet to share my dis-stress, frustration and anger with others, which was easier for me than it is now.

As a matter of fact I realize how I dont even do that anymore and instead have completely shut off from the rest of the world. Other than my video blog on youtube, my online room on paltalk, a couple of online ads and this blog there is just nothing much I do to share myself with others.

One pattern of mine I have observed is that when I receive a response from an online dating ad, or just somebody saw my profile and wants to get me better I am very shy, short of words and too drained to even show enough effort and attention to develop a relationship, and so it never really goes beyond a first date or a couple of emails. Of course I realize that this is my fault and my fault alone, but I just freeze up when I receive positive attention and even love from others and dont know what to say or do.

When I for example get compliments I think to myself, wow, thats nice, but that person does not really know me, and I dont really make the effort so they can get to know me because I am waiting for others to make the effort and in a way chase after me.

I know that this is unrealistic, and especially women want and need to be paid attention to and get a sense of being desired, but for me this is just not something I am able to do unless I am the one to receive this kind of attention in the first place. My life long problem has been that I never felt understood by the world around me, my teachers, my parents and friends at school, so I become more and more isolated and wrapped up within myself.

Today being 42 years of age I am basically still dealing with the same challenge, it is just that after my very dificult and traumatic marriage of 12 years to the first woman I have ever been with, and then only one other 'relationship' with a wonderful lady who I still see off and on I just dont know what I can do to be more open and approachable so I can attract and develop some wonderful relationships in my life.

My desire to do that is definitely there. I could not even begin to put into words how much I yearn for being close to somebody, its just that I have a tendency of pushing people away, even when they try to get close to me. One reason probably is that I feel pretty bad inside, filled with a lot of guilt, regret and sorrow about the past, which brings me to another problem I am encountering when it comes do developing any kind of positive relationship. Many women have told me before that being so much about the past is somewhat of a turn off, and I can completely understand that, but what can I say, this is just one of my challenges, and I just hope that one day soon I am able to meet a wonderful woman who is able to love, understand and accept me for who I am.

Feelings vs. Thoughts

This is something that I have been thinking (hint hint) for a long time, the connection between feelings and thoughts. For one I have been told, and I feel (hint hint again :) the legitimate criticism that I am a little bit too much stuck in my thoughts and not enough in touch with my feelings.

As a life long observer this is difficult for me since it is much easier to conceptualize and intellectualize life, but when it comes to experiencing and expressing what is really going on deep down within myself I am somewhat incapacitated. For that reason I dont have a problem speaking at length about spiritual awakening, the transformation of consciousness and how to create positive change in life (just view some of my videos on youtube and you know exactly what I mean), and I have a great amount of genuine concern and passion about this world and the people in it, but in terms of matters of the heart and talking about my own feelings and true emotions I become a little bit uneasy and uncomfortable. I suppose that the mean reason is that I just dont have the experience when it comes to expressing what it is I really feel. For too long have I tried to obseve, understand and alalyze the world around me from the standpoint of an outsider that I feel somewhat disconnected and removed from others, and so I am a little bit too much in my head (thoughts) and not enough in my heart (feelings).

Actually I am very much in touch with my own feelings and e-motions, but when it comes to expressing and sharing those with others, well, I just dont now how to do that. What can I say? This is one of my challenges, but recognizing it is the first step in making the necessary changes.

Let me leave you for now with a couple of questions which I think (lol :) are very intersting: What is the connnection between feelings and thoughts, and what inspires them? Where do thoughts come from, and what causes us to feel the way we do? What is more powerful, feelings or thoughts, and what do we have control over, feelings or thoughts?

Personal business

Its time for me to take care of that. For the longest time I have been focusing all of my attention trying to save the world and helping others that I neglected to work on myself. After all it is so much easier to give advice and to take it. My whole life I have been somewhat stuck in my head and my own thinking, and so I have a problem when it comes to being in touch with my heart space and actually taking care of myself. Well, I am slowly learning, and so I am starting to write this blog in my desire to share myself more openly and honestly with the world, not only in my capacity as teacher and lecturer but as a human being who is imperfect and has things he needs to work on.

With more than 700 videos on youtube where I talk about what I have learned but also what I need to learn (hence the title 'teacher of learning') this has become more preferred outlet to share myself with the world, but on a personal level I still reject the direct contact with others. For one I am out of practice when it comes to direct one-on-one contact, and so can overwhelm others with my presence and intense nature, and I guess I am also afraid to push others away or even hurt them. Be that as it may I realize that I need to step outside of my comfort zone and allow myself to be vulnerable.

Of course I have gained amazing insights and knowledge during my path, but I have focused soo much attention on sharing what I have learned with others and wanting to help that I have failed to take care of myself. Well, I am working on that, and so I joined a gym where I go swimming every day, which is something good I am doing for myself. I also stopped smoking which is a bad habit I have carried around with me for a very long time. My general health is also something I have neglected for quite some time, and so one thing I am taking care of is my situation with my teeth. Having had some very bad tooth decay I visited a dentist where I received a root canal, a couple of crowns, and to top it of tomorrow will be the day when I get 4 very bad teeth pulled, something I should have done years ago, but I am doing it now and so I feel that this is setting the stage for a new beginning.

I also talked to a lady today who responded to one of my datingt ads, and while I dont think that I am yet in the position to see anybody like that she reminded me how important it is to refocus my attention from trying to help the world towards helping myself, and only then when I face and overcome my own challenges am I successfully able to be of benefit to others.

Becoming organized

I believe that the key towards success, personal as well as professional success is organization. Of course it all begins with success in the art of living, but ultimately it all comes down to how organized we are. What I mean is that in order to learn, change or improve upon certain aspects of our life we need to come up with some kind of action plan, a step by step process which helps us stay on track and focus on whatever it is we want to achieve for ourselves, whatever that is.

To become organized is a matter of making priorities of what is most important in order to bring about a desired result for ourselves, and once we have those priorities it is 'just' a matter of following a concrete step by step process which will help us get wherever it is we want to be. Regardless of what it is we want to work on, organization is crucial if we are serious about creating positive change for ourselves.

This is something I am learning for myself, and so I am sharing this awareness with you.

I am sure you have heard this before, but maybe it can serve as a gentle reminder, so lets become organized :)

Life is a School. Experience the Teacher!

We all have, and continue to go through this School, but are you aware of the lessons you have learned, and those you still have to learn?

It is difficult for us to understand what those lessons are because our society focuses more attention on our academic development and book learning that we have forgotten what we already know.

As students and teachers in the School of Life we are here to learn from and with one another, share personal learning experiences, stories, belief systems and philosophies, and uncover reality beyond perception, personal paradigms and impressions. Once we are more mindful over how our subjective views and paradigms have created the reality, the world we live in we will take some time to uncover the fundamental and age old laws of life, among them the laws of creation, evolution, attraction and synchronicity, and learn how to practically apply those into how we deal with and live life.

To inspire, motivate and encourage you to begin on the process of your own learning as an active student in the School of Life is the ultimate purpose of this blog.

Let me leave you for now with a very fundamental question: If Life is the School, and Experience the Teacher, what are you/ we here to learn?

We are all a mirrors!

I realize how we all project our own inner world, views, perceptions, judgments, preferences, likes and dislikes onto what it is we see in the world outside of us, and I am no exception.

The saying goes that perception is reality, but if we all perceive differently based upon our personal views, beliefs, judgments, preferences and evaluations, what lies beyond our subjective perceptions, projections and reflections, and how can we get in touch with that?

I always wondered about this idea that perception is reality, the main reason being is that if we all perceive differently the reality we see and live in is different from person to person, and so if we all live in different realities there is no wonder that we are so alienated and separate from one another.

In then seems only obvious that we ourselves have become alienated from ourselves, one another and life in general since what we see, what we think, what we feel, what we know and what we look for is different from person to person depending on our subjective learning experiences and personality.

The question I would like to raise is here is the following; what is the true nature of reality, what lies beyond our personal views, beliefs, knowledge and understanding, and how can we get in touch with that?

We have found the enemy, and the enemy is us.

Isnt it is much easier to blame and point fingers at those who we perceive to be the enemy than to take full responsibility for our own actions? From our government to our parents, another culture to God, there is always somebody else at fault for our own unhappiness.

Let me give you a free reality check: The enemy does not lie outside of us, it is not terrorism, or Bush, or our corrupt government, or our parents, our boss or whoever else you might blame for what is wrong with this world, but the enemy is us.

We all have absorbed the dysfunctionality of this world through the media, our parents, the educational, political and economic system we are part of, and so we are at war against ourselves which we tend to project outwardly. Since we learned that the way we are is not perfect, that God is separate, love conditional, happiness to be pursued and success to be achieved we have been conditioned to believe that life is all about money, property, attachment, production, consumption and competition.

Depending on where we grow up in the world we absorb the traditions, culture, belief system and values of the system we grow up in, and so basically we live out the script which has been handed down to us.

Just imagine how differently you would think, feel and re-act if you grew up for example in Iraq, China, Europe or Africa. Still, isnt there something which goes beyond our conditioned up-bringing, something which is universal and timeless?

Of course I am referring to our essence as spiritual beings which we have forgotten as we are having this physical experience in this world. Life is so much bigger and more mysterious than what we have been told, but of course our teacher, preachers and leaders dont really care telling us about that since in order to become a good student, child, co-worker and citizen we need not question the reality of the world we grew up in, but rather do what is expected of us, and ultimately we all do that.

We all seem to be on a constant journey looking for what we need or want out of life, trying to find that which is lacking within ourselves. What we fail to understand is that life is less about what we get, what we seek, what we are looking for, but life is about what we give, what we contribute, how we treat others and the attitude with which we approach a situation with, all of which creates our own reality.

My free advice for the day, take some time to listen and look within yourself. You are a magnificent being, regardless of what you have been told, regardless of the hatred and ignorance you get from others, regardless of your past experiences and conditioning, and so I hope that we all can learn to remember who we are as spiritual beings who are created in the image of God, endowed with infinite potential.

I hope that we all can learn to remember what we are here for in the first place, which is to bring more light, love and happiness into this world.

Lets move beyond our conditioned darkness, fear and ignorance, and come to the awareness that on a deep spiritual level we are the God of our own creation, and that separation, alienation, fear, depression and anxiety only exists in the mind because this is what we have absorbed from the world we grew up in.

Every day, every moment is a gift, a new opportunity for learning, exploration, self examination and transformation, but how is that possible if we remain attached to our subjective views, values, belief systems and paradigms from which we see and judge the world outside.

Remember, all is one and one is all, so every time we project our own hatred and ignorance onto others we not only hurt ourselves, but we also feed into the kind of consciousness which allowed for all the blood shed, war and violence which weaves through human history as we know it.

The age old battle between the darkness and the light.

All personal, inter-personal, social and universal wars are fought between those two opposing sides, the darkness and the light.

The darkness represents fear, ignorance, illusion, inhibition, in-activity, boredom, guilt, sorrow, anxiety, depression, hate, violence, seperation and alienation, while the light is all about love, understanding, empathy, creativity, happiness, perfection, unity and oneness.

We come into this world as spiritual beings who are an extension of the light from which all of life springs (God), born in pure perfection and endowed with infinite potential, but as we 'grow up' we absorb a great amount of the dysfuncationality inherit in the 'system' we become part of, and slowly our inner light begins to dim down.

Over time we learn to that God is seperate, love is conditional, happiness is to be pursued and success to be achieved. Being programmed to perform, conform, consume and compete we slowly forget what we already knew before we came into this world, and so we learn about and cling on to the idea of an external God who punishes those who dis-obey, and reward those who submit themselves to this omnipotent authority.The reason for why that is only becomes too apparant if we examine the laws which lie at the foundation of our production and consumption oriented society.

In order for our world to function we do not need individuals who are connected to their inner light, but rather those who can be easily influenced and submit themselves to the external autority of the world they grow up in.

Without that, our political, educational and economic system could not function, and so all social instutitions from our families, churches, schools, businesses to the entertainment industry support this idea that life is a matter of living up to the standards, rules and expectations imposed onto us from an omnipotent source outside of us.

Because of this, most all of us have lost faith in our own powers, while seeking identity, shelter, hope and protection in an external authority, be it the church, government, our place of business, and the culture we grow up in.

To be continued....

Time. The final frontier~~~

Time is such a greatly misunderstood, precious and valuable element. We all have the same time available to us, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, but how we spend our time is different from person to person. It was always interesting for me to see how many of us (as we grow older) do not know what to do with themselves, they are bored, stuck in the same day to day routine, and instead of using time they are being used by it.

The question I would like to raise in this blog, why is that, and does it have to be that way?

As we 'grow' up we learn to postpone instant gratification and instead are forced to invest our time for a future goal, i.e. dont play with your friends today, but instead study for your math test, so you get a good grade, so you can graduate and one day get a good job.

What happens with us during this time?

As children we experienced things quite differently, of course this was easy with no memory of the past, and no thoughts about the future. There was no tomorrow, no yesterday, but only the present moment, and this is how we lived our life, with full presence of mind and awareness in the here and now. As we 'grew' older this changed quite a bit since we were no longer allowed to daydream and let our imagination run wild. From now on (of course I am talking about the time after we entered the school 'system') life was a matter of doing what we have to do instead of doing what we wanted to.

This was when our whole concept of time changed. Instead of living with full presence in the NOW we learned that we need to sacrifice 'present moment living' for the sake of some future goal. The need to achieve, compete and produce required us to forget how to listen to our inner voice (which is extremely predominant in young children), question reality and learn for ourselves what this thing called life is all about, and instead fit the mold imposed onto us by the system we are part of.

Just one look at our society reveals our greatest modern problem. Nobody has time for anything, but everybody runs from one meeting to another appointment to a social gathering in our need to compensate for the fact that we are utterly lost and confused, but who is really taking the time to question what we know and to contemplate life in order to fully understand our higher purpose as human 'beings.

I would like to end this blog with a cliche you all have heard, but only very few understand, and while I have alienated a few people by using it I have come to realize that it is only true what we have heard:

Time is money. So the question is, are we using it wisely or is time using us?

What is love? A feeling or an action?

This was the question which preoccupied me during most my marriage, and so my first public appearance at the Boys and Girls Club was dedicated to this issue. Appearing in front on a dozen or so pre-teenagers I asked them: Is love a feeling or an action? Almost all children responded quickly, it is a feeeling. My point back then was that love is more than just a fuzzy and warm sensation which comes over us when we are with that special someone, or when our parents do nice things for us and therefore make us 'feel' loved.

If love is just a feeling, it can come and go at any time, but what about genuine, undonditional love, the kind which endures all and does not depend on what we get in return.

During my marriage of 12 years, a time which was extremely difficult for me I developed the idea, (and this was also my Aol screenname during that time) that love(i)s (a)n attitude. Ultimately it is all about how we treat others, how we make them feel, how we show them that we love them through our actions and deeds.

Never having experienced the wonderful feeling of 'being in' love I assumed that love is all about what we do, and how we relate ourselves to others. Of course there is a legitimate point to that, but not until last year when I met an amazing woman via the internet did I realize that actually my young audience at the Boys and Girls club was also right. More than just an attitude, more than just something we do for somebody else, love is something we feel once we get the sense from the person we are with that we are being loved.

In summary, I guess it is safe to say that love is both a feeling and an action. When we feel love, be it towards a person, God, or humanity in general, more than just having a warm and fuzzy feeling we are motivated to act in loving ways towards the object of our love.

This is a very complex and far reaching issue, and I will definitely write about this some other time, but I just wanted to introduce this concept to you, and hopefully provide you with some food for thought about the true meaning and essence of love.


Thank you for reading.

Your comments and feedback are highly appreciated.

If Life is the School, and Experience the Teacher, what are we here to learn?

As we are programmed to pay attention to the teacher outside of us that we fail to realize what we are here to learn in the first place. Our emphasize on our academic development only keeps us from understanding that ultimately nobody can teach us anything, and true knowledge only can arise from within.

We have countless people in this world who are extremely educated, knowledgeable and "intelligent", but only very few who are sensible, reasonable, rational and kind.

Of course, in order to survive in our society it is more important for us to produce desirable results and outcomes (as prescribed by our government leaders, bosses, teachers and parents), consume the variety of products and services provided to us, and compete against various others in the market place, all of which will ensure the growth of our economy, but during all this time, what happens to our humanity?

Ultimately we are all conditioned to believe that learning is a matter of memorizing facts and information which is fed to us by a school teacher who instructs us in subjects such as biology, history, chemistry, math and english, but is that true learning?

As we go through the stages of our conditioned up-bringing we adopt certain views, belief systems, and a general knowledge base which lies at the foundation of the person we have become, but during all this time, what have we learned about life? Apparantly this is not as important as for us to make good grades, not question what we are being told, and fit the mold imposed onto us.

My question for you: What is the effect our conditioned learning has on our FREE spirits, and what are the messages we received during the process of our 'education?

I would love to hear your ideas and comments.

What is evolution without consciousness?

Everything in life goes through the perfect, natural and gradual process of evolution.

Everything in life has evolved, you, me, every life form, from the smallest micro organism to the largest mammell, and of course this world has evolved every since the beginning of time. It does not really matter when that was, so if you believe that the world is only about 6000 years old, or several billion years, the fact of the matter is that everything in existence went through the process of evolution.

What has been missing during this process is the element of consciousness, and so we have not consciously e-volved, but rather un-consciously de-volved.

I remember that when as a child I learned about the impermanent nature of all things, this concept provided me with much angst and anxiety. Eventually I found out that everything in life is going through the inevitable process of change (evolution). This is very difficult, and quite frightening for children to understand, yet change is the essence of life.

It seems to me that while we never fully grasp this universal truth, as we 'grow up' we tend to fear change as we are programmed to develop a certain personality, and adopt certain views, values, belief systems which rarely, if every change.

The question which I like to raise is the following:

If change (evolution) is the only constant in life, how instead of fearing it can we learn to embrace, attract and generate change?