Gaining perspective

You might have noticed (I sure have) that I have some challenges when it comes to directly communicating with people. I mean, its great when I first meet somebody and I get an invite either here on myspace, or somebody responds to an online ad, then we might exchange an email or two, maybe even meet once, but thats it. For some reason I still hold myself back from developing lasting and real relationships with others. I have this thing about craving attention and love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have my challenges.


I guess that deep down I am still dealing (or rather not dealing) with so much pain and sorrow that I am afraid what will happen when I actually get close to someone, which is actually what I want more than anything, it is just difficult for me. In a way, and I want to be completely honest here is that I am still a bit self absorbed in that I mostly think about myself, and I am still so wrapped up within myself that it is very difficult for me, and I guess that I am also afraid to truly care about somebody else. I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies because I am so used to being on my own that I am more comfortable being alone with my own image and thoughts that it feels strange every time I am with others. The issues of attention is also very interesting to me. In a way I love getting attention from others, but then I have also noticed that when somebody looks at me, be it at a club or when I make a video recording in public, or I get an email where a woman wants to get to know me better I feel uneasy, always wondering that this other person wants something from me.


Well, at least I realize my challenges, which is actually the first step before I can move towards the actualization and resolution of what it is which holds me back.


Having lost home, family and financial stability I am also ashamed and embarrassed to face others because there is this terrible void and emptiness I feel because I basically have to start over. I know that I am a little bit hard on myself, but I really really want to learn how to more kind to myself and through this be more kind to others.


During what I went through which I refer to 'The path of forced detachment' I learned a great amount about myself, others and life in general, and even though I have a great amount of challenges and problems which make it very difficult for me to freely give and receive love I also know that what I went through and what I have learned is meant to be of benefit to others, but to be able to do that I first need to help myself and heal my own wounds.


On the 21st of December I will do what I had dreams about many many times before, and while it has been almost 18 years since I have returned to my native country I will spend 1 month in Germany and be with my mother and my brother during the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine how that will be, but I am sure that it will be a very emotional time during which some tears will be shed, but it is something which needs to happen.


I will also visit my son tomorrow in San Francisco who has been in juvenile detention for quite some time now because I have failed to provid him with a stable and safe home. He will move back to Kansas next week to live with his uncle from his mothers side. This is also something which is very embarrassing to me, but I realize that it is for the better since he needs the focus and structure, and living in foster care and group homes did not really help him with that.

This is very difficult for me to talk about and acknowledge, but in order to move on with my life I need to give up the fantasy of living with my 3 children (my 2 daughters who live close by are also in foster care and are actually in the process of being adopted). I know that they all love me but as somebody told me years ago, and it was impossible for me to acknowledge that back then but I need to let them go in order to move on with my life.


In a way I feel better writing about some of my own challenges, and maybe it helps you to gain a little bit more perspective of who I am.


While I have done very very little to relate myself to others, my main outlet during the years has been my channel on youtube which has become somewhat of my own video blog where I freely share myself, my thoughts, concerns, ideas, passion and worries with others. Up until today I have more than 786 videos of my own material available, which can show you how self absorbed and wrapped up within myself.
Still, I would love for you to take a look at some of them, maybe comment on a couple of videos so you can get to know me a little bit better~~~~> http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize

One of my other challenges is that I am very bad when it comes to chit chat and small talk because I have become a pretty deep and serious person, but I also love to laugh and have fun, it is just that I am missing the experience and practice.


Maybe we both can learn to get to know each other a little better and develop some kind of friendship. I really try to put more effort into developing and fostering positive relationships with others, but spending a lot of time writing emails back and forth is a little bit challenging for me, so I would prefer speaking over the phone or meeting in person.



I kindly thank you for your time reading my long bulletin. Have a wonderful weekend, keep it real and maybe this has been a little bit of an inspiration that regardless of how difficult life can be, everything which happens is part of our personalized lesson plan, designed to help us understand ourselves better.


In love and light,

Christoph
aka realize2actualize


707 410 6352