My dating dilemma

What can I say, I am a mess when it comes to dating. Having been on my own for so long it is difficult for me to open up to the other gender. Usually when I meet somebody I just go into my story, my history, my path, and of course the things I have learned, then I talk a little bit about my pain, regrets and sorrow, but usually thats it. Its like I am so stuck in my own mind that I dont really know how to relate myself on an emotional and intimate level. Also I am such a serious person that I dont like (or rather dont know how to) chit chat and small talk, and who wants to hang around somebody who is always thinking and talking about the deeper issues of life.

Another problem for me is that I am just so comfortable within myself that I hold myself back from opening up to others. At the same time I am also a little tired of explaining myself, and so it drains me when I am asked "so tell me about yourself", and even worse "how are you", and I really dont know how to give a simple answer without overwhelming the other person.

Probably what I really would like is to meet somebody who already knows me, who understands me and reaches out to me in love and understanding, but I realize that without me making the effort this is not going to happen. There is just so much going on with me, or rather not going on with me that it exhausts me to talk about who I am.

I remember when I still was married, which in case you dont know was probably the most difficult experience of my life (so far) I developed quite a few online relationships. Back then, we are talking the late 90's I was relying on the internet to share my dis-stress, frustration and anger with others, which was easier for me than it is now.

As a matter of fact I realize how I dont even do that anymore and instead have completely shut off from the rest of the world. Other than my video blog on youtube, my online room on paltalk, a couple of online ads and this blog there is just nothing much I do to share myself with others.

One pattern of mine I have observed is that when I receive a response from an online dating ad, or just somebody saw my profile and wants to get me better I am very shy, short of words and too drained to even show enough effort and attention to develop a relationship, and so it never really goes beyond a first date or a couple of emails. Of course I realize that this is my fault and my fault alone, but I just freeze up when I receive positive attention and even love from others and dont know what to say or do.

When I for example get compliments I think to myself, wow, thats nice, but that person does not really know me, and I dont really make the effort so they can get to know me because I am waiting for others to make the effort and in a way chase after me.

I know that this is unrealistic, and especially women want and need to be paid attention to and get a sense of being desired, but for me this is just not something I am able to do unless I am the one to receive this kind of attention in the first place. My life long problem has been that I never felt understood by the world around me, my teachers, my parents and friends at school, so I become more and more isolated and wrapped up within myself.

Today being 42 years of age I am basically still dealing with the same challenge, it is just that after my very dificult and traumatic marriage of 12 years to the first woman I have ever been with, and then only one other 'relationship' with a wonderful lady who I still see off and on I just dont know what I can do to be more open and approachable so I can attract and develop some wonderful relationships in my life.

My desire to do that is definitely there. I could not even begin to put into words how much I yearn for being close to somebody, its just that I have a tendency of pushing people away, even when they try to get close to me. One reason probably is that I feel pretty bad inside, filled with a lot of guilt, regret and sorrow about the past, which brings me to another problem I am encountering when it comes do developing any kind of positive relationship. Many women have told me before that being so much about the past is somewhat of a turn off, and I can completely understand that, but what can I say, this is just one of my challenges, and I just hope that one day soon I am able to meet a wonderful woman who is able to love, understand and accept me for who I am.