Gaining perspective

You might have noticed (I sure have) that I have some challenges when it comes to directly communicating with people. I mean, its great when I first meet somebody and I get an invite either here on myspace, or somebody responds to an online ad, then we might exchange an email or two, maybe even meet once, but thats it. For some reason I still hold myself back from developing lasting and real relationships with others. I have this thing about craving attention and love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have my challenges.


I guess that deep down I am still dealing (or rather not dealing) with so much pain and sorrow that I am afraid what will happen when I actually get close to someone, which is actually what I want more than anything, it is just difficult for me. In a way, and I want to be completely honest here is that I am still a bit self absorbed in that I mostly think about myself, and I am still so wrapped up within myself that it is very difficult for me, and I guess that I am also afraid to truly care about somebody else. I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies because I am so used to being on my own that I am more comfortable being alone with my own image and thoughts that it feels strange every time I am with others. The issues of attention is also very interesting to me. In a way I love getting attention from others, but then I have also noticed that when somebody looks at me, be it at a club or when I make a video recording in public, or I get an email where a woman wants to get to know me better I feel uneasy, always wondering that this other person wants something from me.


Well, at least I realize my challenges, which is actually the first step before I can move towards the actualization and resolution of what it is which holds me back.


Having lost home, family and financial stability I am also ashamed and embarrassed to face others because there is this terrible void and emptiness I feel because I basically have to start over. I know that I am a little bit hard on myself, but I really really want to learn how to more kind to myself and through this be more kind to others.


During what I went through which I refer to 'The path of forced detachment' I learned a great amount about myself, others and life in general, and even though I have a great amount of challenges and problems which make it very difficult for me to freely give and receive love I also know that what I went through and what I have learned is meant to be of benefit to others, but to be able to do that I first need to help myself and heal my own wounds.


On the 21st of December I will do what I had dreams about many many times before, and while it has been almost 18 years since I have returned to my native country I will spend 1 month in Germany and be with my mother and my brother during the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine how that will be, but I am sure that it will be a very emotional time during which some tears will be shed, but it is something which needs to happen.


I will also visit my son tomorrow in San Francisco who has been in juvenile detention for quite some time now because I have failed to provid him with a stable and safe home. He will move back to Kansas next week to live with his uncle from his mothers side. This is also something which is very embarrassing to me, but I realize that it is for the better since he needs the focus and structure, and living in foster care and group homes did not really help him with that.

This is very difficult for me to talk about and acknowledge, but in order to move on with my life I need to give up the fantasy of living with my 3 children (my 2 daughters who live close by are also in foster care and are actually in the process of being adopted). I know that they all love me but as somebody told me years ago, and it was impossible for me to acknowledge that back then but I need to let them go in order to move on with my life.


In a way I feel better writing about some of my own challenges, and maybe it helps you to gain a little bit more perspective of who I am.


While I have done very very little to relate myself to others, my main outlet during the years has been my channel on youtube which has become somewhat of my own video blog where I freely share myself, my thoughts, concerns, ideas, passion and worries with others. Up until today I have more than 786 videos of my own material available, which can show you how self absorbed and wrapped up within myself.
Still, I would love for you to take a look at some of them, maybe comment on a couple of videos so you can get to know me a little bit better~~~~> http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize

One of my other challenges is that I am very bad when it comes to chit chat and small talk because I have become a pretty deep and serious person, but I also love to laugh and have fun, it is just that I am missing the experience and practice.


Maybe we both can learn to get to know each other a little better and develop some kind of friendship. I really try to put more effort into developing and fostering positive relationships with others, but spending a lot of time writing emails back and forth is a little bit challenging for me, so I would prefer speaking over the phone or meeting in person.



I kindly thank you for your time reading my long bulletin. Have a wonderful weekend, keep it real and maybe this has been a little bit of an inspiration that regardless of how difficult life can be, everything which happens is part of our personalized lesson plan, designed to help us understand ourselves better.


In love and light,

Christoph
aka realize2actualize


707 410 6352

Whatever happens is meant to be and happens for a reason!

It is just sometimes difficult to understand that reason, but in the grander scheme of things there are no accidents, coincidences and mistakes in life since everything happens for a purpose.

Everything that happens, every situation, challenge and problem, every person we meet along your unique path in life provides us with the opportunity to learn everything we need to know in order to naturally develop into your authentic and higher Self, filled with infinite love, creativity, happiness and peace. The only challenge is for us to learn the lessons along the way, those filled with joy, love, passion and happiness as well as those clouded with misery, sorrow, suffering and pain.

My dating dilemma

What can I say, I am a mess when it comes to dating. Having been on my own for so long it is difficult for me to open up to the other gender. Usually when I meet somebody I just go into my story, my history, my path, and of course the things I have learned, then I talk a little bit about my pain, regrets and sorrow, but usually thats it. Its like I am so stuck in my own mind that I dont really know how to relate myself on an emotional and intimate level. Also I am such a serious person that I dont like (or rather dont know how to) chit chat and small talk, and who wants to hang around somebody who is always thinking and talking about the deeper issues of life.

Another problem for me is that I am just so comfortable within myself that I hold myself back from opening up to others. At the same time I am also a little tired of explaining myself, and so it drains me when I am asked "so tell me about yourself", and even worse "how are you", and I really dont know how to give a simple answer without overwhelming the other person.

Probably what I really would like is to meet somebody who already knows me, who understands me and reaches out to me in love and understanding, but I realize that without me making the effort this is not going to happen. There is just so much going on with me, or rather not going on with me that it exhausts me to talk about who I am.

I remember when I still was married, which in case you dont know was probably the most difficult experience of my life (so far) I developed quite a few online relationships. Back then, we are talking the late 90's I was relying on the internet to share my dis-stress, frustration and anger with others, which was easier for me than it is now.

As a matter of fact I realize how I dont even do that anymore and instead have completely shut off from the rest of the world. Other than my video blog on youtube, my online room on paltalk, a couple of online ads and this blog there is just nothing much I do to share myself with others.

One pattern of mine I have observed is that when I receive a response from an online dating ad, or just somebody saw my profile and wants to get me better I am very shy, short of words and too drained to even show enough effort and attention to develop a relationship, and so it never really goes beyond a first date or a couple of emails. Of course I realize that this is my fault and my fault alone, but I just freeze up when I receive positive attention and even love from others and dont know what to say or do.

When I for example get compliments I think to myself, wow, thats nice, but that person does not really know me, and I dont really make the effort so they can get to know me because I am waiting for others to make the effort and in a way chase after me.

I know that this is unrealistic, and especially women want and need to be paid attention to and get a sense of being desired, but for me this is just not something I am able to do unless I am the one to receive this kind of attention in the first place. My life long problem has been that I never felt understood by the world around me, my teachers, my parents and friends at school, so I become more and more isolated and wrapped up within myself.

Today being 42 years of age I am basically still dealing with the same challenge, it is just that after my very dificult and traumatic marriage of 12 years to the first woman I have ever been with, and then only one other 'relationship' with a wonderful lady who I still see off and on I just dont know what I can do to be more open and approachable so I can attract and develop some wonderful relationships in my life.

My desire to do that is definitely there. I could not even begin to put into words how much I yearn for being close to somebody, its just that I have a tendency of pushing people away, even when they try to get close to me. One reason probably is that I feel pretty bad inside, filled with a lot of guilt, regret and sorrow about the past, which brings me to another problem I am encountering when it comes do developing any kind of positive relationship. Many women have told me before that being so much about the past is somewhat of a turn off, and I can completely understand that, but what can I say, this is just one of my challenges, and I just hope that one day soon I am able to meet a wonderful woman who is able to love, understand and accept me for who I am.

Feelings vs. Thoughts

This is something that I have been thinking (hint hint) for a long time, the connection between feelings and thoughts. For one I have been told, and I feel (hint hint again :) the legitimate criticism that I am a little bit too much stuck in my thoughts and not enough in touch with my feelings.

As a life long observer this is difficult for me since it is much easier to conceptualize and intellectualize life, but when it comes to experiencing and expressing what is really going on deep down within myself I am somewhat incapacitated. For that reason I dont have a problem speaking at length about spiritual awakening, the transformation of consciousness and how to create positive change in life (just view some of my videos on youtube and you know exactly what I mean), and I have a great amount of genuine concern and passion about this world and the people in it, but in terms of matters of the heart and talking about my own feelings and true emotions I become a little bit uneasy and uncomfortable. I suppose that the mean reason is that I just dont have the experience when it comes to expressing what it is I really feel. For too long have I tried to obseve, understand and alalyze the world around me from the standpoint of an outsider that I feel somewhat disconnected and removed from others, and so I am a little bit too much in my head (thoughts) and not enough in my heart (feelings).

Actually I am very much in touch with my own feelings and e-motions, but when it comes to expressing and sharing those with others, well, I just dont now how to do that. What can I say? This is one of my challenges, but recognizing it is the first step in making the necessary changes.

Let me leave you for now with a couple of questions which I think (lol :) are very intersting: What is the connnection between feelings and thoughts, and what inspires them? Where do thoughts come from, and what causes us to feel the way we do? What is more powerful, feelings or thoughts, and what do we have control over, feelings or thoughts?

Personal business

Its time for me to take care of that. For the longest time I have been focusing all of my attention trying to save the world and helping others that I neglected to work on myself. After all it is so much easier to give advice and to take it. My whole life I have been somewhat stuck in my head and my own thinking, and so I have a problem when it comes to being in touch with my heart space and actually taking care of myself. Well, I am slowly learning, and so I am starting to write this blog in my desire to share myself more openly and honestly with the world, not only in my capacity as teacher and lecturer but as a human being who is imperfect and has things he needs to work on.

With more than 700 videos on youtube where I talk about what I have learned but also what I need to learn (hence the title 'teacher of learning') this has become more preferred outlet to share myself with the world, but on a personal level I still reject the direct contact with others. For one I am out of practice when it comes to direct one-on-one contact, and so can overwhelm others with my presence and intense nature, and I guess I am also afraid to push others away or even hurt them. Be that as it may I realize that I need to step outside of my comfort zone and allow myself to be vulnerable.

Of course I have gained amazing insights and knowledge during my path, but I have focused soo much attention on sharing what I have learned with others and wanting to help that I have failed to take care of myself. Well, I am working on that, and so I joined a gym where I go swimming every day, which is something good I am doing for myself. I also stopped smoking which is a bad habit I have carried around with me for a very long time. My general health is also something I have neglected for quite some time, and so one thing I am taking care of is my situation with my teeth. Having had some very bad tooth decay I visited a dentist where I received a root canal, a couple of crowns, and to top it of tomorrow will be the day when I get 4 very bad teeth pulled, something I should have done years ago, but I am doing it now and so I feel that this is setting the stage for a new beginning.

I also talked to a lady today who responded to one of my datingt ads, and while I dont think that I am yet in the position to see anybody like that she reminded me how important it is to refocus my attention from trying to help the world towards helping myself, and only then when I face and overcome my own challenges am I successfully able to be of benefit to others.

Becoming organized

I believe that the key towards success, personal as well as professional success is organization. Of course it all begins with success in the art of living, but ultimately it all comes down to how organized we are. What I mean is that in order to learn, change or improve upon certain aspects of our life we need to come up with some kind of action plan, a step by step process which helps us stay on track and focus on whatever it is we want to achieve for ourselves, whatever that is.

To become organized is a matter of making priorities of what is most important in order to bring about a desired result for ourselves, and once we have those priorities it is 'just' a matter of following a concrete step by step process which will help us get wherever it is we want to be. Regardless of what it is we want to work on, organization is crucial if we are serious about creating positive change for ourselves.

This is something I am learning for myself, and so I am sharing this awareness with you.

I am sure you have heard this before, but maybe it can serve as a gentle reminder, so lets become organized :)

Life is a School. Experience the Teacher!

We all have, and continue to go through this School, but are you aware of the lessons you have learned, and those you still have to learn?

It is difficult for us to understand what those lessons are because our society focuses more attention on our academic development and book learning that we have forgotten what we already know.

As students and teachers in the School of Life we are here to learn from and with one another, share personal learning experiences, stories, belief systems and philosophies, and uncover reality beyond perception, personal paradigms and impressions. Once we are more mindful over how our subjective views and paradigms have created the reality, the world we live in we will take some time to uncover the fundamental and age old laws of life, among them the laws of creation, evolution, attraction and synchronicity, and learn how to practically apply those into how we deal with and live life.

To inspire, motivate and encourage you to begin on the process of your own learning as an active student in the School of Life is the ultimate purpose of this blog.

Let me leave you for now with a very fundamental question: If Life is the School, and Experience the Teacher, what are you/ we here to learn?